Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
