She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
