Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
