I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oh god it's open bar.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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