I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
