Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
