Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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