I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
