i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
