If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
