I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize