U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
