question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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