My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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