Don't you send me to vm
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize