Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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