your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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