But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
