A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
