I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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