Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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