There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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