I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
