The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
