You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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