Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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