he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
