I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
