i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
