he was CRYING into my vagina
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
