i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
