You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize