everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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