You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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