just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
