i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
