answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
