i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well I just put wine in my tea
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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