what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
