There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
