Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
