My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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