Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize