remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The Olympian is in my bed
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
