can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
