so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
