You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
