I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
