Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
