How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
