he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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