if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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