Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
