He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
