he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
